A Full Guide To the Mental Load of Mothers
Hey there, mama!
This guide is a bit of a biggie so grab a coffee or a tea and settle in.
The ‘mental load’ otherwise referred to as the ‘mother load’ is a bit of a hot topic for us mothers. And for good reason. So I thought I’d put together some interesting stats and figures on the topic. My hope is that this information will help you to feel less isolated when you look despairingly at your to-do list.
Educating myself on this topic has allowed me to step back and realise how much I do for my little family and where I need to start delegating some tasks my my husband and children. It’s even showed me how important it is to say no certain requests and let others slide by the wayside.
I hope there’s some gold in here for you too.
So… let’s get stuck in…
You might have seen that reel flying around the internet earlier this year where actor Kate Richie lamented in tears about the mental load that she and (most) other women carry. The clip was shared rapidly by mothers all over Australia.
This real-life mother, sharing the reality of modern-day mothering resonated with us.
A Gentle Disclaimer
Before we dive in, let’s set the stage with a couple of gentle disclaimers:
Dads, I See You Too: Many dads are deeply concerned about their kids, just like mums. However, statistics show that women are doing the lions share of invisible work in Australian households, so my focus in the guide, is on the woman’s experience.
No Judgement Zone: This blog explores matrescence and applies to most mothers—whether you work full-time, part-time, or are a stay-at-home mom. We're all in this together, facing similar struggles.
What is Matrescence?
If you're scratching your head wondering what ‘matrescence’ means, you can read my Full Guide to Matresence.
Matrescence is the transition to motherhood. My mentor, Amy Taylor Kabbaz, describes it beautifully in her publication Mama Rising:
“When a woman becomes a mother, she splits in two: who she used to be, and the Mother she is. And unless we honor that radical shift, she will get lost trying to figure out who she is now.”
The Struggle is Real
Having worked as a Mama Rising Facilitator (under the training of Kabbaz) I've seen firsthand the increasing mental overwhelm and physical exhaustion among mothers today. More women are experiencing parental burnout. And it is concerning.
Some of the facets that are contributing to this burnout include:
Balancing motherhood with personal passions and dreams
Less time/ability to connect to the body in autonomous ways
An incessant feeling of low-level anxiety or ‘hypervigilance’
Mothering without anger and guilt
Managing the bulk of household responsibilities
Maintaining a sense of self and self-trust
Juggling the mental load (too many tabs open anyone?)
Rediscovering intimacy
Balancing friendships
The Hidden Load: Cognitive and Emotional Labor
Let’s dive into something that often goes unnoticed but has a profound impact: the hidden load. This includes all the cognitive and emotional labor that women tend to carry more than men. It's the mental checklist of organising playdates, booking medical check-ups, and the constant replenishing of the pantry, the kids’ clothes drawers, the toilet paper holder. I mean, the list goes on and on. And on.
And it’s not just the ‘doing’ of these tasks but the pre-planning and even the post-planning that needs to happen. Anyone who has had to do swimming lessons with their child will understand this hidden load. Not only does the bag have to be packed, it also needs to be brought inside from the car, unpacked, washed, and then replenished for next week. And even if it’s ‘his week’ for swimming, there’s a high chance that you’re dealing with the bag. And if you’re not, good for you - you are in the minority!
Invisible, Unlimited Work
This hidden work is hard to measure because it’s invisible and performed internally. Allison Daminger, a doctoral candidate in sociology and social policy at Harvard University, identified four clear stages of mental work related to household responsibilities: anticipating needs, identifying options, deciding among the options, and monitoring the results. Mothers did more in all four stages. This constant mental load leads to additional stress because it's always present, even when you should be concentrating on other things
Research by the Australian Institute of Family Studies reveals that in two-thirds of Australian heterosexual households, working mothers "usually or always" bear the "mental load."
This mental load includes tasks such as organizing health checks, play dates, school forms, extracurricular activities, and parties.
Survey Findings:
Surveys conducted between May and December 2021 showed that in 78% of households, mothers are responsible for the mental load.
Only in one in five households is the mental load shared between parents.
Impact on Mothers:
The mental load adds significant stress and fatigue to mothers, especially those also engaged in full-time work.
This invisible work often remains unnoticed but has a tangible impact on mothers' well-being.
Historical Context:
The gendered nature of the mental load can be traced back to the 1950s when societal norms positioned women as homemakers and men as breadwinners.
Despite changes in work dynamics, this traditional division of labor persists in many households.
Challenges and Frustrations:
Many women express frustration over the unequal division of the mental load, noting that male partners often need to be asked to contribute or face work constraints that limit their involvement.
Chiropractor Diana Pakzamir, who runs a business alongside her husband, observed that mothers still predominantly handle family logistics.
Research Insights:
Dr. Brendan Churchill and Professor Lyn Craig's research found that the gap in housework and household management duties did not close during the pandemic, despite increased childcare involvement from fathers.
Their study showed that women remain dissatisfied with the division of labor in dual-earner households.
Societal Observations:
Broadcaster Ash London discussed the mental load with her husband before having a child, acknowledging that it usually falls on mothers.
Gold Coast mother Amanda Goss, who runs a business with her husband, described the mental load as overwhelming, especially when children are unwell.
Implications for the Future:
The study underscores the need for societal and structural changes to address the gender imbalance in family responsibilities.
Increased awareness and practical solutions are necessary to ensure a more equitable division of the mental load.
The research highlights that mothers in heterosexual households predominantly carry the mental load of family life, a burden that persists despite shifts in gender roles and increased paternal involvement in childcare. Addressing this imbalance requires both societal recognition and structural changes to support a more equitable distribution of family responsibilities.
Practical Tips for Easing the Pressure
Alright, so in case you’re starting to feel despairing, let’s just take a pause.
We have so much agency when it comes to managing the mental load. We just need to know where to start and how to put some strategies into place. We can do that, can’t we? We can.
Let’s get into some practical tips to help ease the mental load. These are like little nuggets of wisdom I've gathered over the past months that I have been implementing for myself. I am not fully there just yet, but I have made a start and it’s going pretty well so far. Let’s go.
1. Prioritise and Accept
First off, let’s keep in mind the wise words of Australia’s only female Governor-General and a mum of five, Lady Quentin Bryce:
“Women can have it all, just not all at the same time.”
Life is a long journey. Trying to be the best at everything while raising little ones is incredibly hard, especially with sleep deprivation thrown into the mix. Remember, things will get easier as the kids grow older. Learning to prioritise what’s important RIGHT now, in this season, will help you to park the rest for later.
2. Delegate and Share Responsibilities and Ask for Help
If you have a co-parent, sit down and divvy up the responsibilities. Handing over some tasks can shorten your to-do list and reduce decision fatigue. Maybe your partner can handle lunches or split the cooking duties.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. I remember drowning in stress, trying to be ‘Super Woman’, (and truth be told, I still fall into this pattern often). I was always very good in the early days when it came to asking for help, but as my children are getting older, I’ve told myself that ‘I should have this figured out by now’ and so I don’t ask for as much help these days. I am currently challenging myself to ask for more help or to accept it when it is offered.
3. Make Lists and Write Things Down
I swear by this one. Make lists of things to do before you get into bed; it helps clear your mind. If you remember something while you’re already in bed, keep a notepad nearby to jot it down. It’s a simple trick but incredibly effective.
4. Learn to Say ‘No’ Even When it Feels Embarrassing or Uncomfortable
This one’s tough but essential. Spend some time thinking about your boundaries. The more tired I felt, the more I said yes to things I didn’t need to add to my to-do list. Create small spaces of time for yourself, whether it’s yoga, laying in bed with a good book and your journal, or connecting with a good friend who makes you feel good about yourself.
5. Lower Your Standards
Sometimes, you just need to lower the bar. If you have a spare room, maybe use it as a ‘lucky dip’ bed where you toss clean clothes rather than spending an hour folding them. Close bedroom doors if untidiness triggers you. Life’s too short to stress over laundry piles!
6. Use Relaxation Techniques
Find a relaxing audio or guided meditation that you can listen to as you go to bed. The brain can’t focus on ruminating loops or inner criticism if it’s listening to something soothing. There are loads of free apps like Insight Timer. If you sign up for my free Ritual Kit, I offer a free guided meditation and I also have the Motherhood Meditations Pack which comes with 7 meditations - all based on the Mama Rising Formula of Support. The more you use them, the better they work.
7. Embrace Self-Compassion
Be kind to yourself. Prioritise moments of joy and rest. Laugh more, even if it means being silly with your kids or friends. Lightening up can release as much stress as tears, if not more. Remember, there’s no competition in raising children. Focus on loving connections, as they are the number one determinant for raising healthy kids. Tell your compare-and-despair voice to hush and keep a simple mantra on repeat: “I am good enough. I’ve got this!”
8. Build Your Village
Remember the old saying, “It takes a village to raise a child”? Well, it’s true. In traditional kinship communities, women were surrounded by other women who supported each other. They shared their worries, fears, and disappointments, offloading them so they didn’t carry them to bed at night. Women stepped forward when others struggled—no one struggled alone. While our communities live very differently today, there are still ways to build your village. Find local mum groups or playdates. Sometimes just having another adult to talk to can make a world of difference. You can share experiences, offer advice, or simply laugh together. These connections can be lifelines on tough days.
9. Find an Online Communities
There are fantastic online communities where you can find support and connection. For Australian rural women, there’s Motherland. If you are anywhere else in Australia, check out the Mama Rising Facilitator Directory. Many of the MR Facilitators host online communities that you can join.
10. Seek Professional Help if Needed
If sleeplessness is preventing you from getting restorative sleep or you’re waking up exhausted, seek professional help. Chronic lack of sleep can lead to compromised immune systems, anxiety, and even depression. I've found that warm Epsom salt baths with lavender oil can work wonders. Similarly, if you feel anxious or depressed some or most of the time, it’s best to see your GP for a mental health plan so that you can seek out the help of a psychologist. If finances prevent you from seeking this kind of help, speak to your doctor about finding a bulk-billing psychologists so that you can access 10 free sessions.
Final Thoughts
Being a mother in the 21st century is a tough gig—arguably tougher than ever. The pressures of modern life, combined with the age-old responsibilities of motherhood, can feel overwhelming. But remember, every mum is doing the best she can every single day. Some days will go well, and others, not so much. There is no perfection in raising little ones to adulthood.
Strive to nurture your heart over your head. Know that fierce, unconditional love is the key to healthy mothering—and that starts with loving yourself first.
Practical Tips Recap
Here are some quick tips to keep in mind:
Prioritize: Remember, you can have it all, just not all at once.
Delegate: Use tools like Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play to share the mental load.
Make Lists: Write things down to clear your mind.
Seek Help: Don’t hesitate to seek professional help if needed.
Say No: Set boundaries to protect your energy.
Lower Standards: It’s okay to let some things slide.
Relaxation Techniques: Use guided meditations or relaxation audios.
Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself and embrace joy.
Ask for Help: Don’t be afraid to lean on your support network.
And if all else fails, remember the golden rule in the Mama Rising Framework of Support: No matter what, we always start with KINDESS. Self-kindness and self-compassion. Our little people are relying on us to be okay, and we can’t be okay if we don’t show ourselves a little kindness and compassion. You’ve got this beautiful.
References:
1. https://www.smh.com.au/national/when-it-comes-to-kids-mothers-are-saddled-with-the-mental-load-20220616-p5au46.html